💌 Matters of the Heart: What I’ve Learned About Love (So Far)

I had the most magical relationship of my life. The kind that little me little Ashley used to pray for, dream about, write letters to the universe for. And somehow, I got it. I really did. I experienced a love that made me feel seen, safe, and hopeful. It was beautiful, and we built something that, for a while, felt like it could withstand anything.

But the truth is, I didn’t know how to receive it.
Because I didn’t know how to fully love myself yet.
Because I hadn’t healed my childhood wounds.
Because I didn’t grow up seeing what healthy love looked like.

Instead of holding onto the good, I focused on the bad. I reacted from pain instead of responding from clarity. I didn’t know how to communicate without letting my emotions take over. Conversations would turn into arguments, and arguments would turn into silence or rage. I simply didn’t have the tools yet and I didn’t even know that was the problem at the time.

It breaks my heart to say this, but…
I messed it up.
Not alone, of course no relationship ends because of just one person but I own my part. And if I could go back in time, I would fight harder for us and with myself to be the partner I wanted to be.

Because the truth is when we were in sync, when we communicated and worked as a team it felt like we could take on the world. That kind of connection is rare. He was, and still is, the love of my life. I don’t know what the future holds, but I do know this:

I’m in therapy now. I’ve been going for three months, learning about my attachment style, unpacking old pain, facing hard truths. And most importantly, I’m learning how to give to myself the things I used to ask from a partner validation, safety, grace, peace.

To anyone reading this who’s also healing:

You’re not alone. It’s okay to mourn the love you lost and hold space for the love you’re still growing into.
It’s okay to feel the regret and still be proud of the work you’re doing now.
It’s okay to hope… and still move forward.

This journey of self-love isn’t perfect. But I’m showing up, even with the messy parts. And I hope that one day, I’ll be ready to love and be loved the way I was always meant to.